Love
Today is my parents forty-seventh wedding anniversary. I can't imagine that many years with the same person.

Will I ever love anyone enough to spend that much time with them. I remember a quote from the movie Love Story. " Love means never having to say you are sorry. " The problem is I seem to be saying that all the time.

Does this mean I really am not: in love, in love with the wrong person, or that quote is not true?
I really do not know how to figure this one out.

It seems to me a lot of soul searching would be necessary to answer that question. Am I ready for that. That is something that no one can decide for me.

I suppose at some point in time I am going to have to do this soul searching thing. Just not know.

Music
I am a huge music fan and enjoy many different types of music. I have noticed that the music I listen to seems to match the mood I am in.

Right now I am hooked on the Rascal Flatts and the song What Hurts The Most. I also love watching the video. I suppose that is the I can relate to this.

I see myself in this video and have experienced this pain. It is all about not knowing what could have been.

What could have been, I guess I never will know and yes that does hurt the most. This pain is something that never goes away and unless you have experienced this you do not know.

The years have come and gone, but the pain of not knowing and the regret is always there. You go on with your life everyday with your friends not understanding.

They say time heals all wounds. I beg to differ. They never go away. When you love someone with all of your being and a tragedy has happened you never forget.

Everyone wants you go on with your life and pretend that your life is wonderful. I have learned to go on with my life. I have learned that everyday being alive is wonderful, but to forget will never happen. I have been very lucky to find someone that I do love as much or even more than I loved him.

The problem is everyone has to deal with their past and resolve the issues. How do you resolve and issue with a dead man? I have never got over being mad at him for leaving me.

I have moved on with my life, but this one issue will always haunt me. I do not know how to deal with this. I scream, I cry, and yes I wanted to die so I could be with him.

When you tell someone that the first thought is this girl is crazy. I have had people say they do not understand why someone would commit suicide. I do understand. You try and fail and others succeed.

Maybe I really did not fail, maybe I just found the courage to live. I does take courage and strength to live. I think somehow this has made me a better person. I do not take think that the people that have succeed did not have courage and strength. They where at the point of no return.

Home
Every time I turn on my radio I hear a song about going home.

Going home where?

They say that home is where your heart is. The problem is where my heart is I can not go. The place I live has never felt like home. What is a girl to do?

I drove by the place that I thought I would always call home, but it did not look like home anymore.

I feel like I am stuck in a time warp. I can not go forward and I can not go back. I am stuck, and I do not know what to do.

Every place I go I feel like I do not belong. I search every day for the place I want to be. Hopefuly, one of these days I will find where I belong.

So is all of this really about a home, or going home, or building a home. No, I really believe it is about life.

My life is also stuck in a time warp. You get sucked in by the big black whole, you did yourself out and then fall back in. How many times are you supposed to climb back to the top, before you run out of the strength to do it?

Every time I fall I climb out and swear never to fall again. I do fall. Sometimes, it is by my own doing and sometimes I get a little push.

The last time I felt a big push. I am slowly clawing my way out, but this time I have to stop because I am getting tired. I am tired of the climb.

This time I have promised myself that every inch I climb I am not coming back again. This is a promise I intend to keep. I fully intend on reaching the top of the mountain this time.

I intend on getting rid of the things or people in my life that help me with the push. Of course, I can do it. I always have. Sometimes I did have help, but mostly I did it all alone.

You see I that is the story of my life. I have walked the path mostly alone. This time I am choosing the path that takes me home.

Home. That is where I want to go. Everyone deserves a home, even me. Even though I do not know where home is I intend of finding out.

Questions
It seems that everyday I check my email that I get a new set of questions to fill out for all of my friends. The great thing about this is I learn a lot about my friends.

It seems very interesting that we do not know everyone like we think. For instance, just a simple question like: What is your favorite color?
I did not realize that I did not know that about must of my friends.

I am also amazed at myself that I really have to think about some of my answers too. Who would have thought that you really have to stop and think about what you wish you would have done with your life. I guess, not only do the questions give you answers about your friends, but it also gives you answers on yourself.

So next time you receive one of the questioners, fill it out and send it out.

Life
What is Life?


My life started the day I was born, and of course, it will end the day I die. It is the time in between that does matter.

When I look back on my life will I see a life that mattered. Did I make a difference? I sincerely hope so.

As I get older I notice the goals I set must change.
Life was always so simple when you are a child. The sad part is that we do have to grow up.

As you get older your life must also change. New chapters open, and old one close. It is those old ones that you do not close that will get you in a lot of trouble.

Everyday of my life I strive to have a new lesson without forgetting the old ones. I have experienced a lot of new lessons over the past six months. I have hurt people that I never wanted to hurt. The problem is I also brought a lot of hurt on myself.

The one greatest lesson I have learned about life is that sometimes you must change your life. The key thing is while you are changing your life for the better that you can not forget who you are.

That is the problem of life that I am facing right now. I am trying to find out who I am. Not just my name and where I came from, but the real me.
I do believe that I am on the right track of finding my life. I do ask myself again, what is life?

We all have to face the skeletons in our closet of life at some point in time, and yes we do need to clean that closet. I have succeeded in cleaning that closet to the best of my ability. As I go forward with my life I hope I never have anything in this closet again.

My life is very important to me and there are only a couple of people I would give that life up for. So as I continue my daily struggle with life I intend on making everyday count.